Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
