batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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