Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
