her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
