Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
