No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
