it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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