Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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