his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
