My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
