I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
