The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
