The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
