I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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