We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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