omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
