He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Can you repeat that, but with context?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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