explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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