walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
