Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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