Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
