it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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