it was like his penis was on wheels.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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