I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
