I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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