So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
