I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
