We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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