farters have to be the big spoon...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
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