I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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