Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Sorry my hands just texted you
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
