I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
