Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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