My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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