Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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