IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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