Will you blow on my dice?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
