I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
