I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
