so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
