life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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