I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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