I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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