YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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