So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
