As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
