Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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