Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
