im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
don't judge my taste in strippers
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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