Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
