Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
