Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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